While out with friends the other weekend for a quick
coffee (I had English breakfast tea – btw – I know, how vanilla!) and chat, one
mentioned to me that she found the sexual encounters in GBG-Drawn to be
enthusiastically consensual. I took this
as a compliment although in all honesty it had not been intentional. The narrative, as apparently all right
thinking people, had just called for it.
This got me to thinking about an article I had read
a few months back by Emmeline May of Rockstar dinosaur pirate princess
fame. Although I realise in terms of
internet speak it is old (I mean three months ago? Come on!) But the topic will
never be irrelevant.
Consent: Not actually that complicated.
Basically it was an analogy changing an offer of sex
to an offer of a cup of tea. I liked
it. It was smart, pithy and completely
understandable by almost all and everyone, although some folk disagreed that it
covered every single aspect of tea offering.
It covered enough to get the idea across, as far as I could see.
I have included an excerpt below for your
enlightenment and if you want to read the full article and its resultant
discussion (which is very interesting, I might add) then just head to:-
Consent: Not Actually that complicated – by
Emmeline May (2 March 2015)
“If you're still struggling, just imagine
instead of initiating sex, you're making them a cup of tea.
You say "hey, would you like a cup of
tea?" and they go "omg fuck yes, I would fucking LOVE a cup of tea!
Thank you!*" then you know they want a cup of tea.
If you say "hey, would you like a cup of
tea?" and they um and ahh and say, "I'm not really sure..." then
you can make them a cup of tea or not, but be aware that they might not drink
it, and if they don't drink it then - this is the important bit - don't make
them drink it. You can't blame them for you going to the effort of making
the tea on the off-chance they wanted it; you just have to deal with them not
drinking it. Just because you made it doesn't mean you are entitled to watch
them drink it.
If they say "No thank you" then don't
make them tea. At all. Don't make them tea, don't make them drink tea, don't
get annoyed at them for not wanting tea. They just don't want tea, ok?
They might say "Yes please, that's kind of
you" and then when the tea arrives they actually don't want the tea at
all. Sure, that's kind of annoying as you've gone to the effort of making the
tea, but they remain under no obligation to drink the tea. They did want tea,
now they don't. Sometimes people change their mind in the time it takes to boil
that kettle, brew the tea and add the milk. And it's ok for people to change
their mind, and you are still not entitled to watch them drink it even though
you went to the trouble of making it.
If they are unconscious, don't make them tea.
Unconscious people don't want tea and can't answer the question "do you
want tea" because they are unconscious.
Ok, maybe they were conscious when you asked
them if they wanted tea, and they said yes, but in the time it took you to boil
that kettle, brew the tea and add the milk they are now unconscious. You should
just put the tea down, make sure the unconscious person is safe, and - this is
the important bit - don't make them drink the tea. They said yes then, sure,
but unconscious people don't want tea.
If someone said yes to tea, started drinking it,
and then passed out before they'd finished it, don't keep on pouring it down
their throat. Take the tea away and make sure they are safe. Because unconscious
people don't want tea. Trust me on this.
If someone said "yes" to tea around
your house last saturday, that doesn't mean that they want you to make them tea
all the time. They don't want you to come around unexpectedly to their place
and make them tea and force them to drink it going "BUT YOU WANTED TEA
LAST WEEK", or to wake up to find you pouring tea down their throat going
"BUT YOU WANTED TEA LAST NIGHT".
Do you think this is a stupid analogy? Yes, you
all know this already - of course you wouldn't force feed someone tea because
they said yes to a cup last week. Of COURSE you wouldn't pour tea down the
throat of an unconscious person because they said yes to tea 5 minutes ago when
they were conscious. But if you can understand how completely ludicrous it is
to force people to have tea when they don't want tea, and you are able to
understand when people don't want tea, then how hard is it to understand when
it comes to sex?
Whether it's tea or sex, Consent Is Everything.
And on that note, I am going to make myself a
cup of tea.
*I actually said this word for word to a friend
in the early hours of Sunday morning after a warehouse party. Tea. It's fucking brilliant.”
Perhaps I’ll go for green tea this time, with a hint
of mint.
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